grumpydad (grumpydad) wrote,
grumpydad
grumpydad

Well it's monday.

Erika has had Derek since Saturday and she is going to drop him off on tuesday morning sometime. So in the meantime...
Im home alone.
Nothing happening right now.
Life is as stagnet as it could possably be.
I've talked to alot of people in my lifetime. Some of the total bullshitters. For instance, the guy who says "I'm not afraid of dieing." Yeah well, bullshit you have a life, you have friends, and you have stuff going on maybe even a posative direction. If I have ever known someone that isn't afraid to die, I would have to say it's myself. Sometimes I lay down at night and before I pass out into that wonderful deap dark sleep, I think to myself, "Maybe I won't wake up this time?". It's there "the thought"; like a shadow on a sundial, it's there haunting me. The idea of just "going away" worries me, because of my son. I just don't want him to grow up not knowing what life is realy like. He needs to grow up living in one place. He needs to have a stable home. He needs someplace where he can get a good education. He needs to be taken care of.

Due to the laws of the land I will never be able to be there for my son full time. I will never be able to teah him whats right and wrong. Tonight his mother relayed to me that she sleeps about 12-13 hours a day. Then she goes to work and comes home. She also relayed to me that all of her "guy friends" are assholes. So you can assume as I have, that shes getting laid alot, but getting fucked at the same time. That is a wonderful household for my son to be in. I hate this. I hate life. ...

I don't want to wake up.
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