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grumpydad

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So Im touching base with everyone... [25 Oct 2005|05:19pm]
Ever been welcome to visit as long as you don't come over?
Ever been convicted of saying something that someone thought you said?
I got bills that need to get paid. My lease is up in December. I might jsut move. I'm about ready to give up.
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Well it's monday. [10 Oct 2005|06:16pm]
Erika has had Derek since Saturday and she is going to drop him off on tuesday morning sometime. So in the meantime...
Im home alone.
Nothing happening right now.
Life is as stagnet as it could possably be.
I've talked to alot of people in my lifetime. Some of the total bullshitters. For instance, the guy who says "I'm not afraid of dieing." Yeah well, bullshit you have a life, you have friends, and you have stuff going on maybe even a posative direction. If I have ever known someone that isn't afraid to die, I would have to say it's myself. Sometimes I lay down at night and before I pass out into that wonderful deap dark sleep, I think to myself, "Maybe I won't wake up this time?". It's there "the thought"; like a shadow on a sundial, it's there haunting me. The idea of just "going away" worries me, because of my son. I just don't want him to grow up not knowing what life is realy like. He needs to grow up living in one place. He needs to have a stable home. He needs someplace where he can get a good education. He needs to be taken care of.

Due to the laws of the land I will never be able to be there for my son full time. I will never be able to teah him whats right and wrong. Tonight his mother relayed to me that she sleeps about 12-13 hours a day. Then she goes to work and comes home. She also relayed to me that all of her "guy friends" are assholes. So you can assume as I have, that shes getting laid alot, but getting fucked at the same time. That is a wonderful household for my son to be in. I hate this. I hate life. ...

I don't want to wake up.
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So life is odd: [05 Oct 2005|05:38pm]
Life is odd. I'm here. Derek stays with me for now. I can only hope and pray its logn enough for me to be considered his care-taker. Then, I can file papers and tell her to fuck off and die!!! :)
So YES! Derek Louis Henninger is here with me now!! I hope I can just support him.

Dear God,
It's NOT going to be easy.....but please just long enough.....GOD PLEASE....you can make the rest of my life shit....but let me have Derek long enough to legaly tell Erika to go find another sucker!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE




PLEASE!

-Ahmen!
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[04 Oct 2005|06:42am]
Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ)


You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented.
Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules.

You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader.
You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you.

A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do.
You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up.

In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly.

At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions.

With others, you tend to be polite and formal.

As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself.

On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!
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"Wonderful dreams of the blissfully ignorant" [28 Sep 2005|05:19pm]
Yeah another dream. I'm in a rush to get some stuff taken care of then head to legal aid. I'll keep it short and edit it later to give details. I jsut want to get it down before I forget it.

So I am up in NY again. It's winter time. I live in a small house that I am familiar with. I am headed to bed after just getting a shower. I am wearing a white terycloth robe walking down a long hallway. Then "the" girl comes out from around a corner in front of me weidling a bright red firemans axe with a pick on the back side of it. However it's more like a giant pair of scissors however still an axe. I say out loud, "It's a trick! Get an axe!" as I finish saying that, she starts screaming like a banchee and charges me. I turn around and start to run, and as I jsut about make it to the corner there she is again. Swinging neck level at me with the giant scissors axe. I duck and she swipes my head with the side fo the axe making my head ring like a gigantic sunday church bell.

More to come..
..got things to do right now.

After much thought, I've decided not to post my nightmares up here. I had one taking a nap today too. It's hard to keep up. But if you want to know how this story ends...its bloody, very bloody. The oddest part of the dream is a bathtub full of breastmilk that I end up falling into at some point...anyhow... Have a good one...

Oh yeah...Lawyer said everything I knew he would say. Cept that I don't have to file for full custody. If CPS tells me I don't rate to be a father to my son because I didn't go after full custody, he said come back to court with that, and he would love to fight that case.
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Today I... (continued) [26 Sep 2005|05:16pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Today I told A good friend good-bye. Someone I found to confide in and would listen to me. This person put a hand on my back rub it around a bit, pat me a few times, and tell me it would all be ok.That is exactly what I've needed for a very long time.

You may be wondering to yourself or out loud, "why in the world would you say good-bye if they meant so much to you?". Well simple answer is that stipulations state that because this person is female, and I am male, and we are alone together in the privacy of my home (If you have been to my house, you know that I keep blinds closed most of the time due to bright lights cause migraines.) So a man and woman alone in a house with all outside contact cut off. Yeah use your imagination. What comes to mind first? AND THAT... is exactly why things needed to come to an end.

Now your next thought,(maybe not. Usually only pooled that are inquisitive would wonder this). is: Matt, why now dude? why not weeks ago? or why not never? or just later in the future? Why now exactly? I'll tell you that too. It is also fairly simple. Same reason. But we just tried to keep it private because it was no one's business that we hung out alone. They would just assume the first thing that came to mind. Be it the correct or incorrect thing, they would would assume something. It's human nature to solve problems, some people more than others, and some are better at it than others. So, the answer in English, is: People really suck, and can't just leave someone elses buisness alone. ... No your right, thats not the answer. The answer, is that because this person is married, that spending time with me like this would not seem appropriate. So in order to prevent any problems in the relationship this person has with her husband, I had to tell her good-bye.

Matt just find a woman who isn't married! DUH! Then you can be more than friends!... Yeah, well, I know what it's like to love and lose. Whoever said it is a far better thing to have loved and lost than never loved at all, should die (yes I know he is dead already). I have loved, and I have lost. I will not do it again. If there is someone out there for me who can do things for me just right...I regret to say. "I don't want to know her, or meet her". I do not have the heart to try anymore. Losing friends, loves, children, my freedom (I'm locked down to what I can do anymore due to my cluster migraines.) I can't let it happen again. It sucks to much.

Once I loved a woman. Now it sucks between us. Another time there was a woman that I cared so much for, that I would have done anything for her. Now she is spiteful and mean, and assumes everything is bad. I blame her husband.

So ok now whats been going on in my life?
I'm broke, jobless, and hopeless. I have glasses on order for me. I have a stigmatisim that makes my vision all messed up.Aparently my pupils are oval rather than round like a nomal person. Meaning cat-like eyes in a very minute sort of way. So the glasses I have on oreder are going to correct this. However I have been warned that they will make me very dizy and discombobulated for a while. a few months at most.
Also, I've been given sleeping pills. I am supposed to take half of a pill before bed. This is going to be a diffrent world for me. I have not had a fill 8 hours sleep in a long time. Aparently the idea is to give me a sleeping pill that will allow me to goto sleep and stay asleep for a full eight hours. I have an apointment with a lawyer at eight pm on wednesday. I don't have $25 to pay them fo services.Life sucks still.

Before, I used to bitch alot about how people treadted children, and families they had. Well now, all I can say is, please realize that the one you are with is special. Realize this, and please don't let them go. Cherrish the one your with. Don't let them go, and don't risk your relationship in any way. Also, go out of your way. Make sure they know that you apreciate them. For a weekend, try and just make them happy. Make that person your king, or queen. Do what you can to make that weekend a memory to never be forgotten. Cook breakfast lunch and dinner for them. Be creative, and come up with something to do. Go for a walk in the park, and spend an abnormal ammount of time doing it. Take a weekend or a day or whatever, and just make sure they know. Sometimes telling them just isn't enough. So do for them first. When the weekend is over, THEN tell them how much you love them and tell them that you aprecaite them.

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Today I... [26 Sep 2005|04:44pm]
did the hardest thing I've ever done. I said good-bye to someone. One of the best friends I've ever had. To one of the kindest people I've ever known. Situation sipulates that things be this way. I've been gone from Live Journal because I've been...happy. I was content with life. Even though it was still miserable. I was content to smile and not worry about anything.

Amy I will miss you.
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Again, it's been a while.. [18 Sep 2005|04:02am]
Life sucks like a $2 hooker on coupon night. AGAIN. REVISITED. PART 2.

I am to tired to care anymore.
I don't care because I am over whelmed.
I am over whelmed because PEOPLE ARE STUPID.
I know People are stupid so I look for help elsewhere.
I look everywhere, there is no help.
I am going on 9.5 Months now, and life isn't much better.
I don't know, where to go? who to turn to?
I can't do this anymore, it's driving me insane.
I need help. It's not out there.
I don't have a faimly so faimly services wont help me.
I can't work so unemployment wont help me.
I don't have any money, so I will be homeless soon.
I wont have a home soon, so I'll never be able to support my own son.
I hurt.
I am tired of hurting.
I am to tired to care anymore.
I have lost 3 jobs due to my migraines and medications.
I can't think straight hardly anymore.
I need someone to take care of me until this is over.
I know there is no one out there that can.


It's allways got to be "I", me. Doesn't it? Of course. I'm selfish, I'm uncarring. I'm Matt. I'm an asshole. I...


...I... promised someone I would go lay down for a while. G'night.
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It's about time... [07 Sep 2005|11:20am]
Finaly got someone on the phone its 11:20pm.
Appointment: September 21st 2005, 7:00pm PST
So for the next 14 Days or so, I get to rot. This is not easy. This realy sucks. I hate haveing to do this alone.
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Today is D-Day [07 Sep 2005|07:38am]
Its 7:06am right this second. Countdown to 8am has begun. I've been up for hours and hours. I have a headache and I don't know why being lonely sucks so much. I don't like many people, most people are just stupid. There are people that I have met recently that are pretty stupid if they think they are going to pull one over on me. I do realize once again, that I hate most people, and that I would rather not see anyone. There are a few exceptions out there, however I could give a rats ass about the general population. I guess my problem is that I want to be lonely and I just haven't accepted it yet. So if I seem to disappear from the face of the earth... Well I might have done just that. The other alternative is that I've decide that I'm just... tired. I'll update you as to what's up with the Lawyer as soon as I know something.
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Send me an Angel [06 Sep 2005|09:45pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Do you believe in heaven above
Do you believe in love
Don't tell me a lie
Don't be false or untrue
It all comes back to you

Open fire on my burning heart
I've never been lucky in love
My defences are down
A kiss or a frown
I can't survive on my own

If a girl walks in
And carves her name in my heart
I'll turn and run away
Everyday we've all been led astray
It's hard to be lucky in love

It get's in your eyes
It's making you cry
Don't know what to do
Don't know what to do
Looking for love
Calling heaven above

Send me an angel
Right now

Empty dreams can only disappoint
In a room behind your smile
But don't give up, don't give up
You can be lucky in love

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Life, Fate, and Destiny. [03 Sep 2005|09:02am]
Ever wish you had met someone before another event? This will help you determine if it's Fate, Destiny, or Life itself.

Life is the static path that we follow set in motion by fate. Kind of like Train tracks. Fate is what pushes us down the line of life. Kind of Like the Engine of a train. Meanwhile destiny is the point(s) along the path of life that we merg at. Rest stops and intersections. Depending on how fast fate pushes to our destinations and which destinations we stop at determines who we meet through life, and when.



Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. ~ Barry LePatner
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[02 Sep 2005|06:02pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Rent was $665, That covers water and what not too. Cable, and Power sill comming soon. That will be around $170-$200. So that leaves me about $100 or so to get groceries.
So today I helped Sarah move all her stuff. Im tired now. Wore out actualy. Head started to hurt due to not wearing my shades in the sunlight. Made my brain ache :/ So my other friend Amy got some paperwork shes been waiting on and shes getting ready to move. Dan got his job at Yahoo surfing for porn. So everyone else has been getting stuff done here lately, I'm happy for them. I am glad for them. I hope my life does the same soon as well. I feel like a lightning rod for bad luck. I get the bad luck and the good luck static left over drifts off to everyone else. I guess I serve a purpose though right? Im good for something! WOOHOO! heh...ok so enough of that... G'luck on all your future endevors all, stay in touch. I'm going no where anytime soon.

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Nothing new on the homefront... [02 Sep 2005|08:05am]
I get to sit and vegetate on the idea of helping my son. Life sucks. I'll be ok. I get to pick up my last paycheck from work today. It's only one weeks pay, but it'll help pay bills. I have $864.77 currently and after rent I'll have about $150 left over, and then my paycheck will be about another $200 I'm guessing. That will pay the regular bills and allow me some grocery money. Unemployment will take about 3 weeks or so to get started. I will be cutting it CLOSE. I hope it'll be ok. No telling right now. I hope Dan gets this job. I could use the roommate help on getting bills taken care of right now. Hah, he just told me he got the job. Starts on the 12th. Yay Dan! Anyhow, I'm off to vegetate.
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So far today... [01 Sep 2005|02:28pm]
So legal aid for child custody I called...

503-620-3000
-"Wrong county sir, please call..."
503-224-4086
-"Cant help you sir please call.."
503-648-7163
-"Oh we don't deal with child custody cases but you can try..."
503-648-1600
-"Yes sir we can help you with this..."

"YEAH!!! WOO-FREEING-HOO!!!";I silently scream in my head.

-"...BUT..."

"Oh man not again, not again. Please God not again..." I cry to myself in my head.

-"...We are currently by apointment only, and we are not accepting any schedualing until Wednesday or Thursday of next week (Sept 7th or 8th)"

"That isn't quite so bad." I think silently, and I then say outloud, "So when will apointments begin?"

-"...We will begin secdualing for September 21st, first come first serve, so whoever gets to us on the phones first, gets the sooner apointments."

"Oh God, the 21st?" I wimper quietly in my head, "I don't think I can do nothing until then!" I continue. I then speek up and take my licks like a good little piss ant and say, "Thank you for your time, I will be calling back on Wednesday morning."

------------------------

This is just a normal day in my life, something to tack on to another horrable moment in my life. When I sit here in complete horror listening to someone say that my child is going to have to deal with whats going on at that house he stays in until they have time for me. Until they can get me a court date, until I can come up with the $220 in fileing fees and God knows what else I will be hit with. ALso, this isn't saying at all that they can help me, it is just saying that they will talk with me and find out if they can.
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Skid Row - Wasted Time Lyrics [01 Sep 2005|01:06pm]
You and I together in our lives
Sacred ties would never fray
Then why can´t I let myself tell lies
And watch you die every day

I think back to the times
When dreams were what mattered
Tough talking youth naivete

You said you never let me down
But the horse stampedes and rages
In the name of desperation

Is it all just wasted time
Can you look at yourself
When you think of what
You left behind

Is it all just wasted time
Can you live with yourself
When you think of what
You left behind

Paranoid delusions they haunt you
Where´s my friend I used to know
He´s all alone
He´s buried deep within a carcass
Searching for a soul

Can you feel me inside your heart
As it´s bleeding
Why can´t you belive you
can´t be loved

I hear you scream in agony
And the horse stampedes and rages
In the name of desperation

Is it all just wasted time
Can you look at yourself
When you think of what
You left behind

Is it all just wasted time
Can you live with yourself
When you think of what
You left behind

You said you never let me down
But the horse stampedes and rages
In the name of desperation

Is it all just wasted time
Can you look at yourself
When you think of what
You left behind

Is it all just wasted time
Can you live with yourself
When you think of what
You left behind

The sun will rise again
The earth will turn to sand
Creation´s colors seem to fade to grey
And you´ll see the sickly hands of time
Will write your final rhyme
And end a memory

I never thought you´d let it get
this far, boy
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[01 Sep 2005|09:56am]
HOT or NOT
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So it's about that time for another real post... [01 Sep 2005|04:46am]
So life has been hell. I've been trying to get ahold of legal aid for days now, and nothing seems to work. I have come to the conclusion that there is just nothing out there that is going to make me happy anymore. There is no one out there for me. There is no happy home. It's been about 8 months now. I wake up at 3am reaching out for something thats not there. I look around and then I spend hours staring at my screen. This time of day there is nothing that I can do. There is no one around to talk to, there is nothing that can be acomplised to further any goal. Sometimes Adult Swim has something good on, other than that Infomercials are the only thing on TV. I just can't accept how horrable life really is. My mother likes to say that no matter if no one is here, that I'm not alone. Well, being here, and not having anyone to be there when I reach out, not being able to feel the touch of someone special...

I'm here for my son. He needs me, it's obvious I'm sure. It's the only reason I have to keep going. The rest I have accepted as life, and now I just have to get acustomed to it I suppose. I hope everyone had a good night and slept well.
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Why would I want to move to Florida? [31 Aug 2005|07:59pm]
One word...
Click this image..


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Friends in sheeps clothing. [31 Aug 2005|07:50pm]
I guess I expect perfection, or I just like to give people a way out, but I dont seem to keep friends long. I guess that's the way life is sometimes.
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